the things that time cannot mend
by FanfictioningFangirl
Summary: "Sometimes he wishes he could go back in time and change everything that has happened." In which help comes from the most unexpected places (or people). Peter POV, foundations of MichellexPeter, Infinity War Spoilers!
1. the things that time does not mend

**Title: the things that time cannot mend**

 **Summary: "Sometimes he wishes he could go back in time and change everything that has happened." In which help comes from the most unexpected places (or people).**

 **Disclaimer:** **I am not associated with Marvel and make no profit from any of what I am posting.**

 **Inspired By: Anon Ask to benitabuttrel on Tumblr**

* * *

 **Warning: Infinity War Spoilers, depression, implied character death(s)**

 **Set after Avengers 4 so this is my interpretation of the events that take place.**

* * *

 _ **the things that time does not mend**_

 _"How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep."_

 _― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King_

Half the world dies.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that almost half the world comes back too.

There are moments when Peter doesn't feel alive. At night, or on the train to school, he holds his hand over his heart listening to the quiet lub-dub of his heartbeat, reminding himself that he's alive even if everyone else isn't. It's never enough. Being alive isn't the same as living.

The first few weeks are a blur. Aunt May cries when he comes home, holding onto him for what feels like hours and yet, not for long enough. He remembers putting together strings of words to comfort her, knowing that it wasn't enough. That nothing would ever be.

There's a grey cloud hanging over the universe now, or maybe it's just following him. Peter's not sure he knows the difference.

He barely notices the days pass. He listens in class, turns down Ned's plans to meet up, listens to music on the train home. He feels as though one day he'll wake up and be incapable of going on. Maybe staying dead would have been easier. Maybe that way the others would still be here.

His nights are plagued with nightmares. He wakes up with a scream in his throat, the memory of a shooting pain clawing up his legs and creeping into his heart fresh in his mind. The first night he crawls into Aunt May's bed and cries. Every time after he slips onto the ledge outside his window and watches over Queens. Sometimes he thinks about everyone they lost. Names that he still remembers.

He deliberates over messaging someone - anyone, but Shuri lost half her people and Wanda watched the man she loved die twice and he doesn't want to make this about himself. Not when they're dealing with so much worse.

Mr. Stark would have listened, Peter realises, but thinking about that only hurts more.

Sometimes he wishes he could go back in time and change everything that has happened. Maybe he could save everyone, or, maybe, he could never become the Spider-Man. He wouldn't have had so much to lose if he was Peter Parker.

Just Peter Parker. Nothing more.

He's almost proud of himself when he goes a week without crying. It's screwed up but, then again, Peter's a little bit screwed up so it feels like some kind of victory. A small part of him wants to tell someone, but Ned thinks he's fine now, and even Aunt May's stopped checking on him too often. Telling them would only make them worry and he doesn't want that. His demons are his own. They shouldn't trouble anyone else.

Then phys-ed happens and Coach Wilson puts on another one his mandatory videos and, suddenly, without any warning, Cap's in front of him. Talking. Smiling. Ned nudges his arm, whispers something in his ear. _Shit._ His vision blurs, _shit,_ something in him snaps. They were people. He knew them. He saw them, _sees_ them every night. They shouldn't have -

Mr. Stark shouldn't have -

He doesn't remember leaving the gym. His footsteps echo in the empty hallway but he doesn't stop until he's in the field and his legs crumble under him. An invisible hand grabs his lungs, squeezing them till he can't breathe and - fuck - he feels like he might cry and he's pressing his palms to his eyes, rubbing away tears that threaten to fall, and everything hurts so much and he wants it to stop. He wants it to end.

"Peter!"

He shakes his head. _I'm fine_ , he insists, but the words never leave his head.

"Peter!" Closer this time.

Warm fingers wrap around his wrist, gently lowering his hands. She's standing in front of him, bending slightly, hair falling over her face. "It's okay," she says quietly. "I know. You're allowed to cry."

He leans forward, forehead on her shoulder, arms wrapped around her, and does exactly that.

* * *

She died too. Michelle.

Half the world did, it shouldn't be a surprise and, yet, it is. May survived, so did Ned and nobody else wants to talk about it. Hell, he hadn't wanted to talk about it because how much of that was on him? If he'd pulled the gauntlet off faster or tied Thanos down or - anything.

 _Stop_ , he tells himself, trying to think of something - anything else.

So he turns to Michelle.

She's still staring at the horizon, the setting sun casting an orange glow on her. On them. Moments like these calm his nerves and relax his senses; They make him feel safe.

They're sitting on his ledge again, for the third day in a row. He hasn't hung out with Ned this much since coming back and if May's surprised by that she doesn't say anything. The change helps: Michelle doesn't know him as well as Ned. She doesn't mind the prolonged silences and his occasional lack of reply.

She's cool. Different.

"When did you find out?"

"What if you fall - "

"You first."

He blinks, thrown off for a second. "Oh, um, when did you find out?"

She shrugs, drawing her knees up and hugging them to her chest. "I had a hunch."

"A hunch?"

"Liz's party, you were on the roof, suit on and mask off. You talked at the monument, in front of me. Web shooters under the lockers. Plus you and Ned wouldn't shut up for days. Did I mention the part where you shot webs from your hand and jumped out of the bus?"

Something inside Peter smiles. "A hunch?" he repeats.

"Whatever, my turn. What if you fall?"

He tugs his sleeve up and then, feeling the need to say something more, "I don't want to be caught off guard." _Again._ He closes his eyes and hastily slides the sleeve down, covering the web shooter.

"Okay, what if _I_ fall?"

He breathes in deeply, forcing his mind away from another endless spiral of thought. "I'll catch you."

"Yeah no thanks. That's terrifying."

"Are- are you scared?"

She tilts her head, giving him a crooked smile. "I don't know, am I?"

Peter laughs for the first time in months.

* * *

 **I'm working on a second part for this that will hopefully be up by the end of this week (maybe a third part, if the fic needs it?)**

 **This is my first time writing anything MCU or Spider-Man related so feedback would be really appreciated. I'm not expert on the franchise but Infinity War left me feeling broken and I guess I needed someone to project those feelings on!**

 **In case it isn't clear, I still think Cap and Tony are going to die in Avengers 4. I've assumed that the Wakandans killed in the fight remain dead, that Vision does not come back but, being amongst the youngest, Shuri, Peter and Wanda do bond a bit. He's not particularly close to either of them though.**

 **The 'death' of Michelle and Peter refers to the events at the end of IW and, of course, they both come back physically healthy but their mental health isn't great at this point at least.**

 **Do let me know your thoughts on this, every R &R means the world to me! And my PM is always open if anyone wants to cry over IW!**


	2. or the things that time does mend

**Title: the things that time cannot mend**

 **Summary: "Sometimes he wishes he could go back in time and change everything that has happened." In which help comes from the most unexpected places (or people).**

 **Disclaimer:** **I am not associated with Marvel and make no profit from any of what I am posting.**

 **Inspired By: Anon Ask to benitabuttrel on Tumblr**

* * *

 **Warning: Infinity War Spoilers, depression, implied character death(s)**

 **Set after Avengers 4 so this is my interpretation of the events that take place**

* * *

 **or the things that time does mend**

 _"We will be who we are_

 _And they'll heal our scars_

 _Sadness will be far away"_

 _― Learn Me Right, Brave_

It all feels the same.

The bus, Ned sitting behind him and the rest of the team talking loudly over the music they're blasting. The uncomfortable prickle on his arms and a gut feeling that tells him something is wrong. He looks up, half expecting to spot the doughnut spaceship. Hell, he's practically hoping for it, his mind convinced that they've gone back in time. That this is a second chance. _His_ second chance.

Instead, Peter's greeted by smoke and flame.

The seat next to him sags under a new weight and even without looking, he knows it's MJ. She's facing the back, one leg tucked under her and the other hanging off the side of the seat.

"He's thinking about it, isn't he?" Ned asks.

MJ nods. "Definitely."

Peter closes his eyes, presses his hands over his ears trying to block out the voices in his head - things he can hear from miles away. They're still watching him, probably having a silent conversation between themselves. "I can't," he croaks.

"You don't _want_ to," MJ corrects. "You don't have to either, but you can."

His eyes brim with tears and he brushes them away swiftly, blinking back any that threaten to fall. He's so scared, Peter thinks. He knows what he should do, what's right and wrong, but his heart is pounding against his chest and he's not sure he's ready. He looks up, eyes finding Michelle's. "I'm sorry."

They share a look again like they're trying to decide what's best for him.

"I have headphones," Ned says. "You can wear them if it helps."

"I thought you wanted me to - "

"We're not going to force you."

He sighs, runs a hand through his hair, looking out of the window again. People might get hurt. They might die. Just the thought gives him goosebumps. If something goes wrong, Peter thinks, it'll be on him.

"I should."

They don't reply.

"I - I don't have a suit." Just the web-shooters that he never takes off.

MJ grins wickedly and even Ned looks excited. He's suddenly being drowned in a red hoodie with Michelle wrapping her blue scarf around his face. It's not much, Peter thinks heart hammering against his chest but he's terrified and excited as well as being uncomfortable. He's as ready as he'll ever be.

* * *

 _There's a girl in the building, maybe five years old, hugging a table leg. She looks up when he arrives, tears spilling from her eyes._

 _"Spider-Man?"_

 _He nods, smiles. "Yeah."_

 _She lets go of the table and runs to him, wrapping her arms around him as best as she can. "I'm scared."_

 _"Wanna know a secret?" She nods, eyes still brimming with tears. "So am I._ "

* * *

"Is it weird that I enjoyed it?"

He's with Michelle again, sitting on the hotel roof. Ned fell asleep an hour ago and May finished interrogating him around ten. The news channels are yet to stop talking about him but he's trying not to think about that.

"Depends. What part?"

He shrugs. "The swinging from building to building part. The saving people part. Mostly the part where nobody died."

She looks at him, a smile on her lips. "It's who you are. You're allowed to enjoy it."

A lot has changed since last time, Peter thinks, leaning backwards and swinging his legs back and forth. He's accepted Mr. Stark's death (or accepted it as much as he can be expected to) and it's foolish but he's proud of himself for that. Just as he's proud of himself for not freezing up today, or, hell, for stepping out of the bus when every cell in his body had been telling him not to.

There are still nightmares and days when he can remember the shooting pain creeping into his heart. But there are also days when he laughs and makes Ned laugh. Days when he feels like he's moving on and learning to live again.

"Thanks."

MJ raises an eyebrow, the tips of her lips still quirked up. "What for?"

"For being there when I felt lonely, for showing me that I wasn't alone. For understanding and - " He falters, searching for the right words but they don't seem to come to him. _How do you thank someone who makes you feel alive even when you're at your lowest?_ "For everything."

She tilts her neck backwards, laughs.

"What?" he asks, whining as he says it.

"Wasn't expecting a speech, Peter. You're welcome. I think."

He turns away from her, eyes landing on the horizon. It's beginning to sink in now, Peter thinks, what all the reporters have been saying. He has a choice to let Spider-Man come back for real or to keep him buried. May says she's fine as long as he stays alive and there's little doubt in Peter's mind that MJ and Ned will support him no matter what he decides on.

And _he's_ ready, Peter thinks. He wants to help out when he's needed and do the right thing. That's always been a part of him, of Peter. So, maybe it's time Spider-Man returned. Just so that he can go back to helping out.

"How do you feel about - " Her phone flashes and MJ glances down. "Fuck."

"What?"

"Harrington's doing rounds."

He blinks. "Oh." They'll be caught if they use the stairs. There's no way they'll make it to their rooms without being spotted unless - He adjusts his sleeve, linking arms with Michelle, a new found confidence bubbling through his veins. It's a terrible idea.

"Peter?" she asks.

He grins at her. "Trust me. Which one's your balcony?"

She frowns at him. "With the chairs outside. Not that I consent to this."

"You'll want to hold on, you know." He closes one eye and aims at the rails as MJ scoots closer carefully wrapping an arm around him. His heart is pounding against his chest again and Peter doesn't think it's because he's using his web-shooters.

It takes them all of five seconds to land. Five seconds for Michelle to let go of him and to shake her head, giving him a sort of exasperated smile. And, then, five more seconds for her to grab his collars and press her lips to his.

Or maybe it's more than five seconds.

God, he wishes it were more than five seconds.

Peter squeaks against her and Michelle lets go, ducking her face behind her hair.

"Goodnight Peter," she says, turning away. He can barely hear the smile in her voice above the roar of blood rushing to his cheeks.

 _Goodnight_ , he thinks, but the words never leave him. His heart is still hammering against his chest, a wide grin spread across his lips.

Tomorrow, Peter thinks, will be different. A good type of different.

* * *

 **This went through nine drafts, help.**

 **I don't remember the last time I struggled this much to find a character's voice but it took forever for Peter's thoughts, and dialogue, to feel right. A lot of that might have had to do with the setting and way too many cliches including a fall into the swimming pool scene. I know. It was almost that bad.**

 **Anyway, here we are! I'm happy with how this ended. Happy I could squeeze in a peck on the lips though it was, at some point, going to be a proper kiss ;)**

 **Hope you guys enjoyed this! Feel free to leave a review down** **below or message me via Tumblr (WizardingAesthetics) your opinions mean the world to me and do make my day!**

 **Thanks for reading!**


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